Russian Woman Journal

www.russianwomanjournal.com

Point of view

Tuesday 26 February 2008

DOUG R. (England)

Touch of Reality

 

This article discusses some practical aspects of family life in the UK.

I deliberately itemise some negative points to be considered, discussed and planned for.

You may already be living here and made your own discoveries. I hope you agree with my comments. Does it help to know you are not alone?

Money

Britain is one of the most expensive countries in Europe. Day to day activities of ordinary life are a constant drain on personal resources.

Any family needs adequate resources. Without these you may experience an unpleasant time until resources can be improved.  You need to improve family income as soon as possible.

Family Culture

Modern British family life is far from the normal supportive East European version. Your own family is not here. You cannot call on them for support.

This might be a good thing for you? Families can be a source of strength or be a difficult and abusive place- not always good to live there. Some are positively toxic.   

One feature to amaze you is how our families are heavily influenced by children and their demands. The pressure comes from TV programmes, magazine articles and advertisements.

This strong  ‘peer pressure’ on our children is stimulated by commercial enterprises pushing their products in the market place. They exploit the normal wish of a child to conform with their group and not to stand out from other children. Many British parents give in. It is the easiest way out of arguments and makes for temporary peace -at the time.

Some children don’t know what the word ‘no’ means. When they start a job in the real world they will have a very nasty shock. Some never recover and end up living the life of a ‘loser’.

I am a throwback to an older generation. Brought up before TV, my childhood experiences and memories were of severe shortages of everything including accommodation and entertainment, and of course food. It was normal. Everyone shared the problems. Children’s demands were usually met with ‘ no’. There was no room for argument. What you wanted was not available.

The lifting of wartime restrictions amused some people at my expense.  For example I could not understand why street lamps were necessary. I had always used a torch.

I tried to eat my ‘first banana’ without peeling off the skin-much merriment all around.  

My built-in mentality of preserving, repairing or  ‘not throwing anything away’ is ingrained in me- much to the annoyance of my own children. As they live their own lives I hope they see and appreciate my reasons. At least I can see how they all ‘think for themselves.’ 

This ‘peer pressure’ is powerful and personal. You need to be aware of it and to make up  your own mind, or at least have an informed opinion. 

Sitting round a table enjoying a meal all together, discussing the day’s events, people’s   plans,  their outsider relationships,  are the standard happy family. This romantic picture implies a good clean and nourishing place.  It may now only be a memory.

A modern trend is for families not to eat together. Children have their own TV sets or computers in their own room. This is where they prefer to be,  eating micro-waved meals, while communicating with their own circle.

Family communication is reduced to a minimum. Established family behaviour patterns are no longer passed on to the new generations.

Most children have their own mobile phones. They still communicate but with their friends, acquaintances and other contacts. Social life is based on the mobile phone. Communication is within their own circle and to the exclusion of others- including their family. 

The usual problems of adolescence are made worse by this breaking of their main supportive influence. They do not have a role model. To a vulnerable family this only makes their problems of integration worse.

Parents losing touch with these vulnerable children leads to behavioural and many other related problems. Read the newspapers. Watch the TV news. 

The basics of life were traditionally based on children growing up safe, secure and protected within their family unit. Modern trends are taking us into the unknown.

 

Town and Country

Significant differences between city and country life have always existed in every country. Cities are tolerant of incoming foreigners. Inhabitants or their parents were probably foreigners themselves. Even if they arrived from some distant part of the same country.

But, although surrounded by all these people, a city can be a lonely place. 

Country people everywhere have never been tolerant. They expect a newcomer to fit in with their way of life. They will be silently critical.

They will watch and wait. What efforts does this newcomer make? Do they try to contribute to local life? How long will these people  be staying here? Should I invest my time and effort on them? What do my neighbours think?

 

The British Pub

One feature of British life, famous all over the world,  is our ‘pub.’ Americans and many others have tried to copy it,  but with no great success. 

Traditionally, pubs were ‘public houses’ where men could congregate  after work  and debate matters of mutual interest, while enjoying a drink- usually of beer.  

Beer became important when the early townships attracted great numbers of people seeking work in the new factories of our industrial revolution.  Such numbers overwhelmed the public services. Fresh water and sewage became dangerous with frequent outbreaks of cholera. Beer became the only safe drink since the process of brewing  killed off the bacteria in the dirty water alternative.

In the pub other social activities developed.  Indoor games, suitable for small groups,  became a standard feature of pub life. Facilities for card games,  darts, snooker and a bowling alley became usual. Pubs developed their own teams to play other pub teams. Competitions became serious with challenge cups and other prizes. The pub was the centre of a man’s social life.

This was wonderful for him but women were definitely not welcome.  A pub was a place and a refuge for the man. Children and women stayed outside or at home.

 

Children break down the barriers

Incoming families will find how children are wonderful social introducers, especially younger ones.  They have no prejudices -yet. They can be introduced into local events often via school functions. 

The other local children may also be strangers,  in that area anyway, and be open to new experiences.

How willing is the child is to attempt the various competitive events?  How do they join in?  Whether through physical or mental competitions, they will  gradually accumulate their own circle of ‘mates. Often through shared experiences both failures and successes. 

These new friends will wish to visit your home if only for natural curiosity reasons.

One thing leads to another. The dreaded peer pressure begins to bite.

 

Social Problems

One big surprise in our culture will be your need,  as a woman, to develop your own social circle. You cannot rely on your man to do this for you. It is not in our culture. Although as the mother you remain at the centre of your family, you are expected to be yourself and follow your own interests. 

Lonely mums are a significant problem, especially if a new baby has arrived. One normal way of meeting new people is through your work. You will not be permitted to work by entry visa restrictions. 

Apart from spin-off from your children as discussed above,  there remain many leisure based ideas. These may include some form of activity club you can join. Whatever is your own interest or expertise. Helping with the washing up will be appreciated by your chosen group. Young and new mothers have shared experiences to form their friendship bond.

The wide variety of activities includes sports- such as running or athletics. Societies may be musical or choral or chess or any of many other intellectual outlets.

Eastern Europe has a good reputation for many of these. Music and chess have no international barriers. Musical scores are written in universal language. New members are always welcome.  

There are ‘national ‘ clubs in some parts of UK. Joining one of those may prevent you  meeting the ‘locals’  by insulating yourself from them. This cannot be good for your future although it might be a temporary help in your early days. 

Your need to find ‘someone similar’ is natural,  someone you can easily relate to. But you must be prepared to look outside your ‘comfort zone.’ A shared leisure or intellectual activity is surely one way to do this?

 

Mobility

To enjoy our culture you will need to be mobile- even more so if you live in the country. You need personal transport. Our public transport is not the best. You need to drive a car.

That means taking our driving test. There are short term ways around the problem. Having your own International  Driving Permit will allow a limited time period  of driving. If you genuinely can drive already, you will still have to learn how to cope with our traffic. But that Driving Permit  is a temporary solution. You should plan to go through our teaching and examination system. Learn to drive, or you will become virtually immobile by relying on public transport.

You need to chauffeur your child or children- and their friends- to their various activities. You need to ‘join in.’

My next article will consider ways of living carefully and frugally.

 

 

DOUG R. (England)

 

Published in Woman's Magazine Russian Woman Journal  www.russianwomanjournal.com -  26 February 2008

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