Russian Woman Journal

www.russianwomanjournal.com

Point of view

Monday 18  February 2008

DOUG R. (England)

What will you get?

This article is written for a woman thinking of finding a mate from the west- meaning Europe or America.

What do you expect to find?  Is the best cheese in the mousetrap?

Ask yourself why is this man looking on an internet site? What is motivating him? What sort of person is he likely to be? How can you probe sufficiently? What social signs can you look for? 

I can only write from the point of view of a man from Britain. I have opinions about others of course. If I contribute personal views about Americans, French,  German or  Swedish men, these would be biased. My personal experiences from one may not be representative of all the others.

My opinions are still biased but they are genuine and based on my experience. I want you to accept my words as that- genuine.  I have already explained how varied these other nationalities are within Britain. These other nationalities are beyond the scope of this article.

You might argue that human nature is the same, that men are men and any differences are human, superficial not cultural. I disagree but that is an opinion.

 

Who?

The following seem to be typical motivations for men to browse the photographic galleries.

This man is or feels inadequate.   Of course he may simply be an inadequate man.

But there may be a good reason for a usually adequate man to feel inadequate, temporally. He may have experienced a dramatic event such as a serious industrial accident or car crash, a pending or actual divorce, or other such trauma which has stimulated him to stop and think.

Another man may be so absorbed in his work that it may prevent him forming a normal social structure. Many successful entrepreneurs are like this. They concentrate on their business to the exclusion of anyone outside it. That business is their life. Nothing outside it matters. Nothing else is so exciting or rewarding. Business demands may be so exacting there is nothing to spare for an outside interest. Such men often travel a great deal. They need to make widespread business contacts which are not social ones. Their social life suffers. They don’t have one.

They may have realised this and decided to take action- a characteristic of such men. They change or amend their lifestyle. So they start looking. A gallery on the internet is a time -efficient way of sifting through choices.

Another man may live in a remote area. His social contacts are limited to those immediately around him and his small local community. Some men are happy with that. Others want to look over the hill. ‘What else is there?’ The internet is their window on an exciting new world. 

Some men’s work involves substantial travelling. These may be salesmen or service engineers or specialist consultants, or anyone required to travel from client to client for their employer.

The lifestyle of such men is to staying overnight in hotels or ‘bed and breakfast accommodation. Driving long distances is very stressful. Food and sleep are all they seek at journey’s end.

Such men will miss out on social events ‘at home’  with friends;  birthday parties, or other family celebrations, local community events so on. They miss out on their old school or sports team friends and other local people.

They have realised this life is not permanently for them. There’s something wrong with this lifestyle. They are looking to change direction. But maybe the usual sources have dried up. For him it is too late. His local pool of friends have moved on or made their own arrangements. This guy is left out. There’s nothing wrong with him personally. He is never there.

So he explores the internet.

Many men have jobs that do not involve working in a large social grouping such as hospitals, offices and factories. This may be from choice or opportunity. It is human to want to ‘join a group.’

Some men prefer a ‘loner‘ lifestyle. They live alone -which should not be confused with lonely. Their chosen lifestyle involves little contact outside their world of constant travel.

I know of one truck driver who never goes ‘home.’  In his truck cab are all his material needs as he drives from customer to customer.  He never stops working. For him his work is his complete life. He has sufficient for these needs. Modern truck cabs are well equipped with satellite, TV, radio and all the other gadgets.  He saves a fortune in other living costs since he doesn’t have any.

Such men make superficial social contacts on the road at cafes, garages and other drivers. They communicate via mobile phones with their particular ‘buddies’ -who are not usually women. These men are self-sufficient with no need of outsiders. This is their chosen life.

One day such a man may decide to look around. Perhaps he has vague feelings of missing something? He looks on the internet.

Other men ‘miss out’  on family life for other reasons such as a failed marriage or other ones I suggest above.  They have decided this may be a potential loss so are looking around for alternative  possibilities.

They might be interested in the ‘ready made family’  you represent for him. I notice many women in these galleries have at least one child. 

I hope you accept what a burden you impose on a man who implicitly agrees to bring up your child as if his. It may be understood this is part of the bargain between you. Do not underestimate what this means if a man takes on this task. 

 

Dreamers.

These nuisances plague all walks of life. The bane of car salesmen is this pest who sponges their time with questions to staff, requests for brochures or sales literature, and generally wastes everyone’s time. Eventually they move on, never having had any serious intention of buying. These sad people are everywhere. Presumably they are lonely and need someone to talk to. At least we know why no-one wants to talk with them. They pretend this unrealistic dream of buying a car as a bribe to the salesman into talking to them.

Such men do the same on the internet. They are dreamers with no serious intent. They probably don’t even the capacity to carry through any serious plan of settling down with you or anyone else.

They will waste your time and energy as long as you are prepared to pander to them.  

How can you make a judgement on your contact? You have none of the usual human chemistry and behaviour patterns to guide you.

I hope you are aware of how easy it is to tell lies on the internet. Photographs can be altered or be years out of date. You should realise these things and be wary of everything told by your correspondent. Be on guard look for signs of misinformation. Cross-check everything. 

In a later article I will discuss the practical details of life in Britain. Such matters as family income, normal costs of living, possible sources of income are important to your future happiness.  How much you will need to survive?

You need to know. These items are very important. You need to establish a realistic estimate of how the two of you will exist in our society. I suggest you look at my previous articles on the many layers of our society.   

So what are these signs you have missed? Not being a woman, I need to draw on my experience now! One important attraction for women is a man’s self confidence and self pride.

I accept some women prefer a man they can ‘mother.’ We call such men ‘wussies.’ Another descriptive is ‘drip.’ Is that what you want? Another name is ‘doormat’ -somewhere to wipe your feet as you continue walking.

 Another sign you may or may not be aware of is how other women react to this man? It is one of your natural intuitions. Women compete with other women. Why do married men get so much attention from other women?

A friend of mine was getting married. He had arranged to collect a good friend of his future wife from the local airport on the wedding day. He was so busy he arranged for his ‘best man’  to collect her.

In the car journey from the airport this best man was astonished to be almost attacked for sex by this friend.  She had assumed this man was the groom.  Why did she do that?   Competitive women?

One of your disadvantages is you cannot judge how he behaves towards other men. These men might be on his social level or above or below it. I tried to rationalise this in an earlier article.  

More important signs must include how he behaves towards others immediately around him. This is most useful when the rules are relaxed, as within his family group.

It has always been a good guide to later behaviour how a man treats his mother, his pet dog, family children and so on.

Such traits are difficult to disguise, at least over some longer time period. You need to see this man in his own environment. But you can’t.

How does he behave towards you? You are both ‘out of your comfort zone.’ Is he trying to manipulate you in some ways? Is he trying to buy your attention and approval?

You too are out of your comfort zone. Usually you experience protective vibes, but now what?

A ‘nice guy’ fawning attitude towards you should be a warning of his potential for ‘wussiness.’ Maybe this is what you want in a man?

Don’t you want a man who is interesting and maybe unpredictable? This usually means fun and challenging.

You should be looking for signs of enterprise and initiative, of ‘looking over the hill’, of taking action. 

Have these personality traits been demonstrated by plans to meet you? I assure you, this is a substantial commitment on his part. If not to meet you, at least to the concept of keeping an open mind.

In an earlier article I emphasised how this matter of chemistry between man and women is essential. It cannot be faked. Is it there for you two? It is always up to the woman in the couple. It is her choice, ultimately.

So what choices do you have you in your selection? You are trying to achieve something very difficult. Problems include bureaucracy, other human beings with their different cultures. Can you put these all together? Together!

Your future problems will include needing a sufficient income. Can your man provide financially for you?  He certainly must not rely on your contribution for some time to come. Most married couples need two incomes to survive. 

Has he thought about the new social structure he will now need?  Ours are so different to what is familiar

What will you do about language?  What are the arrangements for child education?

Where exactly will you live?

Is this permanent accommodation for the long term or some temporary solution?  

Somehow you must confirm he can provide these things. Be realistic.   

 In a future article I will be writing about these practical but essential matters.

 

DOUG R. (England)

 

Published in Woman's Magazine Russian Woman Journal  www.russianwomanjournal.com -  18 February 2008

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