Russian Woman Journal

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Point of view

Monday  21 January 2008 

Children from previous marriage.

Part 1

Another subject that was brought up from reading letters on  Internet written by Russian Women married Western Men is about children from previous marriage.

Firstly I was going to write just about children of Western husband because this is the hottest subject for discussion in many (you would be surprised how many!) letters from Russian Women, but one letter which was cry for help what to do, was from Russian woman about her son and relationship, better say no relationship and even not accepting her son by her new Western husband. And how many responses she got for her letter placed in Women’s Forum.

But everything in their own turn, and first things that I was going to discuss – first.

So you married or going to marry Russian Woman and you have child or children from your previous marriage or relationship.

Did you ever thought how it is going to be – the relationship of your children with your new wife and other way around – the relationship of your wife with your children. What I found out was really amazing, I was going to say shocking but better not to.

Majority of men that I knew and also friends and acquaintances of my friends and acquaintances and again Russian Internet – didn’t think at all how to build those relationships and how help their wives and children to get on together. They just were hoping that everything will be all right and they will get on together well, and this is somehow happens itself! And if they don’t get on right now – everything will be all right in the nearest future!

Many men don’t think about their own role and position on this situation at all. I wonder why? This is you the man who are on a middle of all that. It is your new wife and your children. You have to be in control and responsible on any effect what your actions and attitude have on both sides! Whatever you doing you have to think about what they feel when you doing one thing or another.

I actually going to bring up here the most common examples what men doing and as I understood have no idea or even don’t want to know what their wives felt.

But first of all this is not about the choice between your new wife and or your children, it is about the relationship and feelings between your new wife and your children.  And of course other way around as well – between your children and your new wife.  Its two way street like many relationships in our life. And the main thing what you do to manage ( to maintain?)balance between them.

By the way if you ever thought (before marriage or after) that your children more important than your wife (some men do) than you shouldn’t  get married because such marriage isn’t going to work! Or at least not for long. No Russian Woman will tolerate for long the secondary position. Russian Women in general more tolerant than Western Women so maybe she give some time to sort yourself out , but please don’t get a wrong message that this is forever.

I would prefer not to give you any advice what you have to do and solutions are different for every particular family. I just would like to make a few points what you would better not to do, or at least try to avoid doing.

Everybody knows that usually weekend is a family time. The reasons for it are that there is no school for children at weekend and most of the people or at least many people are working Monday to Friday and weekends off. So this is the time for children and parents together. And here  is the biggest complain I heard from Russian wives that their husbands leave them on their own at home for weekend and go to spend it with their children or child from previous marriage.

So what actually happening from their point of view?  You been working whole the week Monday to Friday from morning till night, and then you spend Saturday and Sunday with your children from morning till night as well. And next week the same, week after the same and every week like that. Did you recognize yourself?  Even if you didn’t but many others did I assure you.

And what happens next? Next you will be surprised why your wife is irritable, doesn’t look happy, you don’t understand each other and looks like your marriage isn’t going to work. Yes this is might happen because where is communication, where is time together, where is many other things that supposed to share husband and wife for marriage to work? And if to add here that you spend with you children not just weekends but some of the evenings as ell, the picture will be complete.

I heard story when Russian wife asked husband for some time together when  he was going to see his children and they had plans with their mother and he insisted on seeing them. What he answered was that he said he is going to his children and that is it! And that children are the most important for him.  Yes of course, children are very important, no arguments here. But do you know the question in woman’s head? –“What he needs wife for?”  Yes exactly, if your children and time with them ,ore important than your wife and you can’t and don’t want to find time for her and your new family, and don’t even think it’s possible to bring all of then together– than maybe it’s better for you not to marry at all. That is not fair to your new wife.

Every  woman wants to be loved, needed and wanted. And the best solution here – to share your time between your wife and your children and even better to gather together as much as possible. This way everybody will feel part of  the family and you are in the centre of it.

You have to know yourself by now that Russian women are natural mothers and mothering in their character no matter do they have children in their own or not.  So believe me that your Russian wife will do everything for your children to like her and feel comfortable with her. And you will see that gradually your children will feel relaxing and stop being jealous, because this is what children feel when you brought home your new Russian wife.  And your wife won’t feel abandoned and lonely anymore. Of course don’t forget that your wife still needs that special time with you together where just only two of you.

Yours sincerely,

 Lana Hurrell

 End of part 1

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Published in Woman's Magazine Russian Woman Journal  www.russianwomanjournal.com - 21 January 2008

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