Monday 14 July 2008

DOUG R. (England)

Cross Border Families

What occurs between two people alone in a room? Only they know.
Boy meets girl. They may decide to marry.

This article concerns family relationships where even greater difficulties than usual are created by crossing borders of culture, language and history.

What are these difficulties and where do they come from? Thin air?
What are the desires of either or both people?
Loneliness? Sexual desire? Poverty?

This natural relationship of boy and girl already has classic problems.
These are easily made even more complicated.

Have you read or seen the play ‘Romeo and Juliette?’
Have you seen the film ‘West Side Story’?
How many lovers have persevered against race or colour or religion or all those other objections raised by their well meaning elders?

Now you have decided to add to these by bringing children into the equation?
Are you completely mad? Or do you enjoy an exciting life?

Early Mind Conditioning.
One boast of the ‘Opus Dei’ -a hard-line branch within the Roman Catholic church- is
‘If we control a child until the age of seven, we have that child for life.’
In other words, after that age the thought processes of a child are fixed for life.
Even allowing for a year or two it is surely true that a child’s culture is established at an early age.

As the child’s horizons expand, role models to life will be sought. A girl will probably remain close to her mother. A boy is more likely look around, especially if his real father is absent.

Children find it easier than adults to adapt and change, as external events take effect on their lives. There are many tales of children surviving horrendous experiences to become normal healthy adults.

Alienation of Youth.
Modern State educated British children seem to attain a sort of independence from their parents at an alarmingly early age. The old family pattern has been destroyed.

Children come home from school, go to their bedroom where they remain engrossed in TV, or computer games or on the internet for the entire evening. Aren’t they doing homework? What do you think?

Families don’t even eat together. Children eat a quick snack or ‘TV Dinner,’ isolated in their room, which they took from the freezer and ‘cooked’ on a microwave.
Their social contacts are mobile phone ones, not you and your family.

Some hardly ever see their own parents during the 5 day week. They set off to school after the parents have gone to work, and return to an empty house.
Simply to get themselves dressed and to school may be a major achievement for them.

Teachers may suspect but cannot interfere. They have professional constraints.
As the influence of parents becomes weaker, that of a child’s peers becomes stronger.
It is natural for children to want to ‘be the same as their friends.’
Are you surprised by the rise of ‘gang culture’?

They have no one to turn to, apart from their ‘friends.’ If those friends are evil, what then?
No adult is ‘on guard’ on their behalf.

Relevant to you?
Presumably your children have their early age behavior patterns already established, as discussed above.
They have your culture and background. You will have to mix their old with your new.
These gloomy facts of British children’s life will hopefully put you ‘on guard.’
Does it help to be made aware of these realities? You should be vigilant on their behalf.

Since you are not permitted to work under the terms of your entry visa, you will be at home. So all will be well?
No, not exactly. You bring your own set of problems.

Potential friction points will be differences of culture or language, or both.
Language can easily lead to misunderstandings. Words do not always have the same meanings or implications when translated. These misunderstandings can be sorted out with goodwill and patience.

Culture clashes might cause more serious breaches in your relationship. They must be acknowledged for what they are and dealt with quickly.
They will not go away, but will fester and grow underground. If this happens in secret, their impact could become serious when their existence is eventually acknowledged.
Both of you must communicate truthfully to prevent this.

Did you think?
Have a careful look at your self, then look at your man.
He is your husband for life, not just for Christmas.
You have brought him your own family unit of you, plus one or more of your children.
You will naturally speak Russian amongst yourselves, and why not?

Why not speak Russian?
Because doing so excludes the man you married from your little ‘society of Russians’.
Can anything be more offensive or rude?
What do you expect this man to do and be?
Is he only a provider of food, clothing, and accommodation?
Is he expected to invest his time and effort into teaching and introducing your children into his culture, guiding and easing their paths through life?
Is he supposed to show your son how to become a man? What do you know about that?
Is he expected to protect and guide your daughter?
But you won’t permit him to be part of your closed little society at home- it’s his home too!

Speaking Russian within the family, can you see what an absurd mistake this is?
Why does your son speak to you in Russian in front of your husband?
Is he saying something he doesn’t want your husband to know?
Is that a barrier between husband and wife, or between man and child and in the man’s own home? Will that secretiveness benefit your marriage?

You have created a barrier between husband and children by your selfishness.
You can expect trouble sooner or later. You will deserve it.


Culture and Attitude
You have chosen to move yourself and your family to Britain.
You therefore live in your husband’s house, in his country and within his culture.
You and your children must learn to speak his language in his presence- always.

Other differences you should know about and accept.
We British do most things differently to others, such as driving vehicles on the left.
There are historical reasons for most of our customs. See previous articles.

Important influences on the way we think are weather and history.

British weather is famous, mainly for being wet and unpredictable.
Few places are far from the sea. The sea surrounds us with warm water from the Caribbean. This keeps our earth soil temperate and climate mild.
Tropical plants grow outdoors on the west coast of Scotland.
Wet and mild is good for plant growth. We have the finest grass in Europe.
A farmer in the Scottish borders still holds the world record for wheat production.

British climate is very changeable. We know whatever weather conditions we have now, they will soon change. So we endure the present expecting it to change.
We rarely have long periods of rain or snow or heat.
We don’t invest in expensive snow clearance machinery to keep roads clear.
The snow will soon melt away.
We rarely install air conditioning in our homes. It will soon become cooler.
Our railways do not put much effort into anti-ice protection.
Heavy snow or ice will stop our trains.
But not for long.

Our History shows we have not been invaded for a thousand years.
This makes us tolerant towards outsiders and aware of the differences between humans.

Your family will need to resist external pressures as your children gradually integrate in their own way to our lifestyles.
They will learn new ways of doing everything. These will not be your ways.

Your patience will help them cross unseen borders.
You must remind them of their own heritage, while appreciating ours.
There is room for both.
They are very lucky children.

DOUG R. (England)

Recent articles of Doug R.:

• ~Does Private Education Pay?

• ~Still Skint?

• ~Skimp or Skint ?

Published in Woman's Magazine Russian Woman Journal  www.russianwomanjournal.com  - 14 July 2008

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