Russian Woman Journal

www.russianwomanjournal.com

Point of view

Wednesday 3 October 2007

Money and Marriage

 

As I mentioned before this is addressed mainly to men…

How many relationships are affected and even damaged by the subject of money?  Very often it is not a question of how much money the family has coming in, but rather what is being done with it. Who is controlling the spending? How much do spouses and their partners know or discuss on this subject?

Money- an odd subject to discuss in a woman’s magazine! This was probably your first thought when you saw it raised.  In my introductory article I said I was going to devote this journal mainly to relationships and the differences of points of view and attitudes of men and women to the same problems.

The question of money and handling money within families isn’t a new subject for discussion.  Browsing the internet and reading women’s discussions I found this the most frequent and worrying particular question brought up in families where a western man married a Russian woman. 

Money and how it is handled has a very big influence on relationships in such families. There are many misunderstandings and unanswered questions even before the family is actually created.

Do you have any idea that your fiancй or wife might write a letter to a woman’s  webpage or forum asking for explanations on how men normally spend their money and where it goes? What actually is your combined financial situation?  When you buy or do certain things how much do these cost? I mean mortgage, food, petrol etc?  What standard of living can you expect?

Maybe it makes you laugh but I’m deadly serious. This is what I found out by reading women’s published letters. You are surprised, maybe even annoyed and probably don’t want to believe it?  Maybe it has not happened to you but, believe me, it has for many others.

The reason for women’s interest lies in the Russian family tradition of upbringing and way of living, which I discuss later. This is very much different from how money is dealt with in western families. You maybe think  ‘ She’s talking about money again ‘ or   ‘I have heard all that before.’

Maybe, but if Russian women raise this question of money in their marriages with western men again and again in private discussions and on the internet, presumably they are not discussed within their marriage.

This subject of money, handling it, the costs of living, and financial situations in general remind me of two letters from Russian women that I came across on the Internet recently. They were asking others with more experience, how much everything costs in the particular countries  they were intending to marry and migrate to. Their reason for writing was that they have been worried or simply just didn’t know the financial situation of their future husbands. They didn’t know what to expect in their future life in new country.

Please don’t jump to the conclusion they probably were just after the money and didn’t  trust their partners, or were trying to find out something behind their backs- No, not at all. They just really wanted to know what is the reality.

So if your fiancee or wife asks you something about money, it doesn’t mean that she doesn’t  love you or that she is just after your money. Again no, not at all. She just really wants to know your financial situation, what sort of income you have, how much money is needed for cost household bills, petrol, food and other necessary expenses. What is actually left (if anything) for holidays, going out, buying clothes and other extras. What can you afford?  I’m sure this is what you would want to know if you were moving in foreign country to join somebody in marriage and start a family! So all those questions are fair, don’t  you think?

She also wants to know what you expect from her. Do you expect her to work and contribute to family expenses?  How much? Does she need to support herself? Or do you expect her to be a housewife, stay home and look after any children and your house? Talk to her. Discuss these things. She wants to know and prepare herself.

During my years of living in England I heard many times from Russian wives that they don’t know how much money their husbands earn and where that money goes. Yes of course you can say that it is your money and you can do with it what you want. Yes of course you can do what you want! But…..Ў­

Let me explain to you a little bit about Russian families. This is how a husband and wife deal with family money historically and traditionally.

 

Most families in Russia and the former Soviet Union have moderate or low income- at least until recently. Most of the women coming here are from moderate or low income families, where women traditionally handle all family money.

Monthly salaries were usually paid in cash. The husband came home and gave it all to his wife. He maybe kept some petty cash for his own use but not much. This did not depend on whether or not she was working, by the way. Of course it did not happen in all families, but this was usual.

If during the month he needed some more cash for himself he would always ask his wife.  (This is now ridiculous for western men but it was also the case here in a working class family not so long ago.). But the ridiculous thing here is that I know of examples when the husband gradually took back more money that he had given her!  Very convenient, don’t you think?

Why do so many Russian husbands give all their money to their wives? There are two main reasons. 

Russian men didn’t, and I believe still don’t, share any house, domestic or shopping duties in the family, not even caring for children.

Secondly, it is simpler for men not to have any responsibilities. As I said before, I’m discussing moderate or low income families.

 

If there was not enough money for all their needs the man didn’t want to know. The position was and still is ‘I gave you all my money and it is for you to manage it as well as you can.’  Then if it is not enough they can blame their wife or partner. ‘She isn’t  careful with money and it is not for me to prioritize expenses.’ She must simply cut back her own needs.

As you see Russian women are accustomed to controlling family money and to making all the financial decisions.  I assure you this is not what they wanted, but what they are accustomed to.  Believe it or not, many of them would hand over their financial duties to husbands if they could but this is not what Russian men want to do. They never wanted to bother about such as how to pay for 10 things on their wanted list if you only have sufficient money for 5.­ Do you know what I mean?

So the main thing you need to remember is that your Russian wife or fiancee is very happy for you to take all the financial responsibilities and to make all the important financial decisions.

The next main thing I want to convey is she is not after your money. She still loves you as you are, not according to how much you earn.  But she still wants to know the reality of how much money is coming in every month and -the most important - how much money must go out. If there is anything left she would like to know your plans about spending it.

This is not about controlling and domination as some men may think. It is about trust and communication. Please discuss everything with her. This is what you are expected to do. Even if you are not going to spend it but to put it into a savings account, still tell her this. She will accept any plans and explanations you give her, she just won’t accept not knowing.  As I said before, for her it is matter of trust.  If you don’t tell her about money, it means you don’t trust her. Lack of trust, as you must know, can seriously affect any marriage relationship.

Before marriage it is a serious matter but from different angle. Not knowing your financial situation makes her feel insecure and uncertain about her future life in your – foreign- country. Talk to her! Don’t make her write letters crying for help to understand your financial situation. She needs to know what to expect from a future life with you.

Remember what I said about her contribution to family expenses if that is what you plan. She clearly has to know what you expect from her. She is not a western woman familiar about what she has to do, how much things cost, what sort of income you have and what level of living you can afford together.

Finally: to avoid misunderstandings, to build a happy and trusting relationship and strong marriage, be open when your wife or fiancee asks you about your money situation and your spending plans.   

Yours sincerely,

 Lana Hurrell

 

Your emails, replies and comments address lana@russianwomanjournal.com